What To Do When Your Bestie Finds Out She's Positive

"At least it's not legionnaires disease. They don't have a pill for that, Baby!" That was one of the first things I said (and regretted) when my bestie told me she'd been living with HIV for a year. Even though there's been extreme advances in the treatment of HIV/AIDS over the decades, there's no such thing as the 'right' virus. I regret resorting to comparing one serious disease to another in order to make her feel better. I knew better, but there was great struggle trying to speak as though I did. I was fucking stunned.

Because I was aware of the statistics, and, because she was the sixth person in my life to be diagnosed with HIV, I was able to put optimism and facts ahead of my emotions. I talked to her about prominent clinics in the city. I assured her that she could be undetectable in less than a year. I reminded her that HIV is no longer considered a terminal disease, rather a chronic illness. And then, I cried myself to sleep. And, not because I've seen How to Survive a Plague a dozen times too many. I cried for every time my bestie would have to announce her status and face judgment and ignorance. I cried knowing that as brave as my friend has always been in life, she was going to have to become a much braver person in order to accept this reality and educate herself as well as her loved ones. And, I cried because I love my best friend dearly and I didn't want her to have HIV.

Anger and blame. Those were the initial feelings that hit me when the shock went away. I didn't exude these emotions, though I found it hard to suppress them. As black women, HIV is on the rise in our community. I felt anger that she could have exposed herself to this knowing that statistic. I felt blame for not informing her of this earlier, once I realized she was unaware. As a human being, I felt ashamed and hypocritical that I'd have those feelings, knowing damned well that I'd put myself in even riskier sexual situations than she had, but had the guile to judge simply because I had gotten lucky.

Every day, Bestie and I exchange facts, articles, new meds, yet-to-be-approved meds, healthcare options, and how to address these issues to other friends. It's a process, I'll tell you that.

For those who have yet to walk in these shoes and wouldn't know what to do or say in the situation, I've compiled a list of do's and don't's to keep in mind when your loved one musters up the courage to confide to you their status.

Don't's

Don't Mourn The Living
Your loved one is alive and present. They are not dying. They are not dead. You are not Antonio Banderes and your loved one is not Tom Hanks. Focusing on the worst case scenario does not a single bit of good. Focus on the advancements and discoveries made in regard to the virus, and how high the survival rate is for newly diagnosed HIV patients.

Don't Dwell On How They Contracted It
Whether they contracted it from a sexual encounter or intravenous use, it's really none of your business (unless you share needles or sexual partners). Yes, it's important for your loved one to know who and how they contracted it, as well as the person who passed it on to them. Even still, it's not your place to play detective and drill them on the who's and when's. Odds are, they have their own resentment and regret in that area, so they don't need you to add on to that.

Don't Treat Them Like a Pariah
I can't believe people still do this, but I hear that they do. Don't be one of those people. Don't be weirded-out about drinking after them, touching them, or being close to them. You've got a better chance of catching ebola from a straphanger on the train than you do contracting HIV from your loved one.

Don't Treat Dated Facts Like it's the Gospel
This is probably the biggest mistake that ignorant victims make. This is not 1984. We are in-the-know. After watching those ding-bats on The View interrogate Danny Pintauro after he was brave enough to come out to the world, it's clear that dated facts set us back. There are a plethora of different resources that aide in educating ignorant victims like us (POZ, Gay Mens Health Center, CDC HIV/AIDS Fact Sheet just to name a few).

DO NOT JUDGE OR SHAME
To be clear, any question that starts with why is probably a judgment ( i.e. "Why did you do that?" "Why would you mess around with him/her/that?" "Why aren't you telling everyone?"). Having unprotected sex, or engaging in substance abuse - as reckless as it is, is as common as all the other dumb mistakes good people make every day. Even if you have never had unprotected sex (and we know you're lying), or spent a weekend getting high on meth or heroin, if you've ever texted while driving, driven while drunk, gotten into a violent altercation with someone, chopped in onion without bending your fingers inwards, you too have lived on the wild side. You really have no right to judge.


Your loved one's journey is two-fold. Believe it or not, sometimes medical treatment is the easy part. Dealing with the judgment and ignorance of others can be the real uphill climb. For the rest of your loved one's life they are going to have to deal with the burden of dropping the bomb that will alter friendships and destroy relationships. Do they really need that from you as well?


Do's

Educate Yourself
How at risk are you? What are the stats of HIV contraction in your neck of the woods? Are there any supports groups in your area that you and/or your friend can attend? Your high school guidance counselor was right; knowledge is power. The more you know about HIV/AIDS and its related factors, the more you can help your friend. Get in the know!

Become the Best Listener You've Ever Been
You know when you're going through something awful and you vent to a friend, only to have that friend go down the list of all the awful things they're going through? Yeah. Don't be that friend.

When one of my friend's was first diagnosed, years ago, we would have hour-long conversations, with him doing most of the talking. There was so much shame, confusion, and fear he was harboring and needed to get off his chest. He wasn't looking for an information kiosk, he was in need of an empathic ear to listen to him vent.

Listen to Their Needs
Because we're all different people, everything effects us in different ways. If your bestie is concerned with public perception, offer examples of those who are positive and have risen above the judgment of others (Danny Pintauro, Arthur Ashe, Ryan White, etc.). Remind them that by overcoming the criticism of others they can help not only themselves, but others.

If they're stressing over their lifespan and mortality, remind them that in this day and age, proper treatment can offer them a long, happy, healthy life. But, make sure to listen to their concerns and emotions so you know how to help and be there for them.

Become Their Beacon of Positivity
I make it my business to offer nothing but love, compassion, and a shoulder to lean on for my friends and family who are HIV positive. They need it. Call them and check up on them. Don't beat them over the head with their status, because, they're probably doing that to themselves anyway. Take them to a long dinner. Send them funny memes of cats with bitch-resting face. And, when they're dwelling on the negative, remind them that no matter what happened yesterday or what's to come tomorrow, today they are healthy, they are safe and they are taking control of their health.

Get Involved With the Cause
 Even though the virus can still lead to death, it lies less in the virus and more in the stigma. Make it your business to spread the word about HIV/AIDS prevention and treatment. Campaign. Donate. Inform. When the topic comes up with other friends, correct them when they say something stupid. Help them to separate truth from myth. And, when the topic doesn't come up, bring it up! Do they know how at-risk they are? Are they aware of the stats? If not, get them caught up. The more we spread the word, the quicker the stigma of the virus will dissipate.


I hope to God this helps. If there's something I left out, something not entirely correct, feel free to chime in and set it straight!